Fooled Hearts and an Adoption Update

Once an avid writer, daily scrawling my thoughts and feelings across a page… Now, pen (or shall I say keyboard) dusty, unused, calling out my name. My words jailed in this brain of mine…adage followed, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.”

Now please don’t get the wrong impression. I have an ample number of “pleasant” things to say. Bitter and hardened I am not. I feel blessed and my heart is full… well as full as it can possibly be. – as full as it can be with this hole, this hole that started as a prick and has spread and taken root. A hole that remains for the children I have seen, I have held, I have spoken to, the children that have muttered “have you come for me?” My reply, “Soon your Mommy will come…” – a half lie- a hope- a prayer.

I have been destroyed by this…My heart hurts… I have taken one more step towards understanding how my God must feel…. I Must be grateful. I want to understand. I must be grateful. I yearn to be more like Him. I must be grateful. I want to act, move, do….a hurting heart stirs passion and willing feet.

Imagine this with me. You have carried your baby for nine long months, your back aches, feet swollen, heart just aching to meet your little one…. You labor in one way or another, long and hard. This child of yours is born, laying eyes on their face, arms and legs- trying to take in every minute feature, details that you can not believe you are seeing- And then the baby is whisked away… Gone. Out of sight. Now home and empty handed you receive a monthly picture, an update saying “Everything is ok” Your baby is “okay”– “okay” you ponder…. Your other daughter was “okay” too and was severely malnourished and traumatized. You are handed a booklet of sorts “How to get your child back”- You follow every rule- each direction- pay every fee… And still you wait. The once anticipated “due date” is gone. A friend is able to visit your baby and daily, for a week straight sends you updates and even videos. You are able to meet with your child in this way each morning. Your body awakens itself at 4 am, the time the pictures are sent from the other side of the world. Your heart is full. Overflowing. This friend tells you, “You must come quick.” Your baby really needs you. How long would you follow this booklet of rules, How long would it be before you busted in to where your child lay, to grab them and hold them to your chest and smother them with kisses and hugs and love like they have never experienced. How long could you wait? How long could you let your sweet child be “okay” “satisfactory” “tolerable?”

…When your child was thousands of miles away, separated from you because of red tape and corruption…how long could you continue to ensure that your words were “nice?” How long can you concern yourself with the general complaints of the day? How long can you pretend to relate to the day-to-day happenings of those around you? How long can you go on pretending that it matters what your children wear on Easter or which set of towels you decide to purchase? How long can you put off the fact that children are starving, dying, suffering and that the “lucky” ones live in orphanages?

Every morning, as the sun rises and my eyes first open, I think of my Ethiopian daughter and plead with God to keep her safe and to bring her home… and then the prayer for my fellow warrior Moms who are working to bring their children home. Many in more dire situations than I… and then my prayer is interrupted by my two children- one blonde, the other brown and oh I hold them tight….I thank God for them and then every morning wipe a tear from my eye.. because one is missing and TOO MANY will always be….

I know this heartbreak is temporary…and then it is not. There will come a time when I know my eyes will look upon my Ethiopian daughter- face to face. Heart full. Joy had. My hands will start to move, to explain that “I” am “Mommy” and “he” is Daddy…. You are no longer alone sweet baby… Hands speak- a bond begins….

I remember this well, this feeling of elation when I first met Paloma… and could not thank my God enough for the child before me, who knew not the grass or dirt from the water in her cup. I would have died for her…. In that moment, one moment after our eyes locked; blue and brown, skin touched, white and tanned….I was desperately in love with this child that I had prayed for- fervently- obsessively- and boldly. She was mine. God gave His child to me, lent her to me, to raise and educate- to protect and to teach her of the Father who never abandoned her. I am humbled by this gift.

When Amiyah comes home, life will, for a while become a beautiful mess, as we adapt to a new normal. It will take patience unlike any other to mesh cultural divides, to combat fear and to show unconditional love…. But I am confident, that in time… we will adjust, some kind of “normal” will become comfortable “enough”….and then… when I have time to think… when my brain can be unraveled.. I will remember.

I will remember the children that will never sleep upon a mattress, never snuggle their weary heads into a pillow, never have full bellies or experience a constant unconditional love that all children so desperately yearn for. My heart weeps…. A weeping unlike most- This weeping comes from a point of total despair for a problem that I alone, can not fix, can not solve….

This is the thought process of many, what can “I “ do? How can
“I” single handedly aid with these atrocities that continue living? Let me tell you, I am no hero. I have rescued no one, but I beg you- come spend an afternoon with my daughter, an orphan no more, and tell me that one person cant do “something.”

Imagine again, you are walking down the road, a one hundred dollar bill tucked, cherished, planned for in the back pocket of your jeans. You come upon a sick baby- a child that was struggling, grasping for his last breaths. You watch his chest rise with a slow and shaky uncertainty…All that is needed to save this child is one hundred dollars. – to give this child life. You have in your possession all that is needed to save this child. Do you agree with me that the majority of people would gladly hand over their hundred dollar bill? -Needed food, bills to pay, all these necessities would be of little importance. This child needs life- at ANY cost to you!

Why then, does the same not happen in our daily lives?

“We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces, It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold hem in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.” David Platt

The time is soon coming when we will meet our Lord and be judged for what we DO…. It is true that actions do not save, they do not offer eternal life- but Faith without deeds IS dead. We are called to act, to do, to sacrifice of ourselves for others. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to have money in my bank account when there are starving children in the world, when people are dying from not receiving proper medical care, when whole towns have not a drop of clean water to quench their thirst. I don’t want to push aside these truths because I do not see them in my daily living.

This life is incredibly short. Your house, car, possession hold no value. Tomorrow you die and what happens to your home? Do you leave it to your children so that they can sell it and bank the money or take a dream vacation? Where is the eternal value in that? There is no value in your growing bank accounts and retirement funds. NONE. (Perhaps a superficial feeling of ease)

When I was a college student, and in my early and late twenties, I practiced a “budget” of sorts that truly opened my eyes to my focus and the slippery slope called “materialism.” Any time I wanted to purchase something, I asked if I was willing to set aside the same amount of money to give to someone in need, a charity or to save for adoption (since adoption has always been on my heart) It was EYE OPENING and something that has helped me tremendously in my life. Ooooh what a beautiful dress $40. Is it worth $80? …If I buy this dress, $40 is going to further God’s work or to help someone in need. We try to keep this practice as often as possible. Of course it is not always feasible, especially when someone is living paycheck to paycheck but can you at least keep the mental “check”- Does this purchase “matter” – and if it is just for pleasure, am I willing to make sure that my eternal perspective stays at the front of my mind at all times?

I ask you to pray with me for the churches, filled with individuals who believe they are saved because they said a prayer, sit in church, maybe attend a Bible study or send their children to a Kids program. A head knowledge of God can be a very dangerous thing…. It often leads to comfortable Christians, complacent, and (maybe unintentionally) selfish. When is the last time you truly sacrificed for another person? How uncomfortable do you allow yourself to be? There is a pastor in a nearby church who has spent many nights asleep on a cot laid on her church floor in order to serve victims of Hurricane Sandy and others who simply need a place to stay. This individual spends her time serving those in need, giving of herself sacrificially- and all without a second thought. It is what we are called to do. She takes no applause. She says “What else should I be doing?” Pray with me for our churches, for the people who fill the pews, and have head knowledge of Christ and his teachings of salvation but do nothing.

Please share with me how God has been nudging you? –Encouraging you to sacrifice, give, serve? This should not be a once a year mission trip, or an “ask your neighbor to join you at church.” These are wonderful and necessary in our walk with God- but when I look at my life, I know it will soon come to an end. I want everyday to be about my God and what I can do for Him. Can I join you on your journey; can I help you or pray for and with you? Will you hold me accountable as well? It is so easy to become sucked into this American culture of “more” and “nicer” and “bigger.” It is mine and Andrew’s daily prayer- let us only take what we need to survive. The rest is God’s and will be used for Him and His commands.

Lastly, may I ask you to join us in prayer for our daughter in Ethiopia? We have a court date on April 14^th. (We will be represented in Ethiopia) We need to “pass” this court session in order to move on in our process to bring our girl home!

Will you join me in praying for our hearts, that they would always be focused on the eternal- that they would be open to Gods calling on our lives and that daily, we would be reminded that this could be our very last day, our very last breath. Let us not hold on so tightly to “things” that we think we need.

“If you want to please the heart of God, do the Word” Matt Chandler

Thank you for your prayers as you remember our daughter on April 14^th!

Prayer please!

When I grasp a pen, sit before a keyboard; my thoughts tend to flow freely- sometimes too freely… Recently- my hands and thoughts- stuck- a truly rare occurrence. I have a million thoughts, feelings and emotions spinning in this brain but expressing them seems next to impossible. Another rare occurrence? Andrew has been stuck too… This doesn’t happen often, both of us, in this frame of mind. Normally, one can unravel and untwist the other, pulling out logic and making sense of the nonsensical. At times, when we can finally silent the night, together we pray and we ramble and we talk circles upon circles. There are ample statements, “Do you understand what I mean?” “Am I making sense?” ”Yes I THINK so” but somehow we get each other-a connection is made-our souls satisfied. There is momentary peace. God knows. (Oh Praise Him for that!) We are united in our bewilderment and spiraling thoughts- stuck words and slight chaos. We are feeling pulled and we are not sure towards what but God is stirring. The pulling, the stirring, the disorientation is not a negative incident- rather brain draining (like when you try to contemplate “forever” or “Heaven”) Our brains are just not capable- right now- to make sense of our puzzlement. Perhaps our hearts hurt. There are days that we miss our daughter that we have not yet laid eyes on so much that this all seems like an impossible wait and struggle.
Our lives have changed, our plans and purposes- God altering our relationships, adding and subtracting and we know that in all this, His plan prevails. God has provided encouragement when we have needed it most and for that we are forever grateful! Those individuals, a recognized God-send.
We do know that God’s timing is perfect, He knew the details of Amiyah’s life long before we laid eyes on her picture. Yet we also know that when we pray God can and will move mountains. We are asking for prayer this coming Monday as some work is supposedly being done on our daughter’s case. We are praying that all goes smoothly and we are able to obtain some much-needed documentation. Will you please commit to praying for our daughter and the man who will travel to seek this pertinent information? Will you please truly pray, set aside a few minutes and really plead with God on our daughter’s behalf. I know it is all too common to utter “thinking of you” or “praying for you…” but truly the prayers don’t come. We covet your prayers. We are forever and deeply thankful.
We need to get our daughter home. There is obstacle upon obstacle before us, but we know God is in supreme control over all of this.
Sometimes, our bewilderment lies in just contemplating how very short our life is here, analyzing our purpose on a daily basis and how amazing God is as he orchestrates the minutest details. He has worked miracle upon miracle in our journeys to bring our family together and we know He will continue.
Will you join us in prayer? Will you pray with us now and on Monday? Will you also lift up a little boy in the same orphanage as our Amiyah? He and our daughter must play together daily. Will you pray for this little one too? We know the family and their hearts are heavy trying to bring this boy home. These children of our great God need to come home!

A New Barsch! <3

We have set foot on another journey…a journey to “one-less orphan” and “one more Barsch.” This time God is stretching our family further than I thought I was prepared for. During the first few months home with Paloma, Andrew and I often discussed adopting again. Truthfully, we began discussing adoption on the insanely long flight home from the Philippines. As we RAN after Paloma and tried to teach her basic life skills and language, as we were awakened numerous times a night, dealing with a child who had NEVER faced discipline and would not leave our side for more than ten seconds at a time and a biological jealous toddler- our response was typically “Right now, we have our hands FULL.” We kept the desire of our hearts in prayer, and God has been continuing to stir our hearts for the father-less.
We are THRILLED to announce that we have a new daughter waiting for us in Ethiopia! We are so excited as we take this huge step of faith. The adoption process in Ethiopia is far different than what we experienced while adopting Paloma. (and may I add, far more expensive) We have so much peace in our decision, so much excitement and love for this little girl who we desperately need-who needs to know family and language and love. She needs to know Jesus!
Our daughter in Ethiopia is Deaf. She is currently 3 ½. She was left at an orphanage when she was three months old and was transferred to her current orphanage when it was found that she was being severely “mistreated” at the first orphanage where she was left. We are working SO HARD to bring this little one home to join our family. We have been in process for a few months but chose to keep our process quiet until we were sure that this little one would indeed come to be a part of our family. Well it is now official! We accepted her referral about a month ago. Our girls are very excited! They are ready for another sister and fully understand the term “orphan” and why we are so excited! It is amazing. They TRULY understand. Jadalyn knows this little girl needs a Mommy and Daddy. She understands what it is like for love to grow. (She certainly did not always love Paloma) and she truly has a compassion and love for what breaks God’s heart. (I know she is three but its true!) Paloma knows “Airplane pick up she Mommy get-same me?-insert Huge smile and squeal” She is not great at understanding time and sequential order. I may have told her a tad too early. Every morning she asks me, “today sister pick up. Airplane?”
We will need to travel to Ethiopia twice, the first time to meet our little one and appear before the court in Ethiopia. Approximately two months later, once the necessary paperwork has been processed, we will be able to fly back to pick her up and bring her home to her forever family! I am far more emotional on this adoption journey. When we adopted Paloma, there were so many unknowns- as they say, “ignorance is bliss.” Now, I have seen the life that orphans lead and I want to bring my daughter home NOW! (or a few months ago even, would have been nice) Please be in prayer for us as we embark on our journey to Ethiopia. We are faithful that God will provide the necessary funds that are needed for two trips to Africa, the adoption process in general and the $15 a DAY “care fee” that we are paying until the day that we pick her up. I wish this meant that our daughter would now be receiving the same level of care that we will eventually give her ☹ (This small sum adds up quickly when pick up date could be at ANY time and most likely will not be for 9-12 months minimum) We, as a family have made huge sacrifices and God has been providing our every need. It is truly just astounding to watch. I have lots of stories for other families contemplating adoption who say, “but we can’t afford it.” Truly, we can’t afford it either! God supports what He loves! He loves adoption! He provides when we do not see a way. Please pray that God would keep sickness away from our daughter-to-be. Also please pray that things would move as swiftly as possible within God’s great plan. Please pray that God would begin working on her heart so that she would be open to us and not filled with fear when we eventually meet. I could tell you story upon story about how this occurred, how we tried to say “Africa God?- now?? how God placed this little one before us, how he provided the exact amount of money (to the PENNY) when we had a large sum of money due -A God move for sure. When we decided that God wanted this little girl in our family, we honestly had NO idea how we could make it work. We are still paying lawyer fees to finalize Paloma’s adoption! God says care for the widows and orphans, when you follow His commands, He provides- abundantly. It is just awesome to see God’s hand work, when He lays before you another step, one that you would be reluctant to take without his prompting- One less orphan. We are coming sweet girl! (And we know the big question is… WHEN? We have NO idea!!!! – Id bet on 9-12 months… God’s perfect timing. –will be reminding ourselves of that daily.)
Thank you for the prayers!

Children are a blessing ??!!

Children are a blessing (heritage) from the Lord Psalm 127:3….Its a common verse, scribbled on mugs, bolded on birth announcements, painted on the walls of nurseries and Sunday school rooms. Christians and non-Christians alike will accept this phrase with a smile across their face. I think I have uttered this verse and penned it inside a card or two-without giving it much contemplation. Don’t misunderstand- YES- I believe in the truth of this verse. Yes- children are God’s gift to us. However, at most times, I think this phrase is followed not by an exclamation point, but with a question mark. It is offered as advice or re-read when we are pulling our hair out, changing another diaper, cleaning spilled juice or breaking up yet another argument. It is easy to cite this verse as you look upon a recently born baby, swaddled tight AND SLEEPING- when your child throws their arms around you with an “I love you Mommy!” When your child obeys the FIRST time you ask them to do something. At these times when all is well with the world, when life is airbrushed-frozen a moment in time-that I look upon my daughters and MOST OFTEN utter “Thank you Jesus!”
At other times, this “blessing” seems more like tiring and exhausting work. In my self-serving world, a “blessing” is a huge (and I do mean huge) bowl of chocolate ice cream, a raise at work, a won vacation, sitting on the beach on the perfect day… Right?? God granted you a pay raise- that’s a blessing! (Exclamation point!!!) A cruise to Bahamas! (Exclamation point indeed!) New House! (Exclamation point!!!) What about the blessings that sometimes hurt? That aren’t always easy- How do we handle these?
I have always loved my girls (Well once post partum depression stopped rearing its ugly head) However, I am not sure I fully understood the strength of that word, “blessing.” It is only recently, that I have discovered why I now feel that my girls are a blessing, even when and ESPECIALLY when they are shouting “No!” arguing over a toy or closing their eyes as I am signing away attempting to explain why their behavior is not pleasing to the Lord- It tends to be during these times that my girls show me my own selfishness. They show me my wrong attitude or wrong perspective. –When I let something go, that should be corrected… When they ask me to do something and I utter “later.” When I inwardly complain that I need to bathe them yet again and then wash those clothes that I think I washed folded and put away yesterday. It is during these times, when “my” time is non-existent, that I draw closest to my God. I need HIM to help me to press on, to raise HIS children for HIS glory to hopefully and prayerfully enlarge HIS Kingdom. My girls are a blessing because I see where I am selfish and their nagging helps me realize it! I draw near to my God, spend time with HIM and am in constant discourse with Him because I need HIM to help us raise these girls in the way they should go.
Children are a blessing from the Lord- They can, at times, be a burden, an enormous amount of work, they can make you cry and scream and they can truly bring out the worst in you. Its true-no sugar coating here. They show your weaknesses (Your children will even point them out and if you are lucky, they will do so publicly and in an embarrassing manner) At the same time, they remind you who YOUR FATHER is and how important it is to seek Him every moment.
Recently, as I have contemplated God’s many blessings- down to the fact He let me live today! Breathe today! I have challenged myself by asking, how can I GLORIFY my God today? How can I glorify Him INTENTIONALLY? How can I glorify Him for the blessings (including children) He bestows on me? It is a tougher task than you think. Today, did you glorify your God? I don’t know about you- but I need help to do this. My children help me – a blessing from the Lord- Daughters of a KING. I pray God would penetrate their hearts, and break their hearts for what breaks HIS.
Thank you God for the blessing of children, for exposing my selfishness and helping me to draw near to you… the sweetest place in the world to be ❤

NINE months home! Blessed lessons.

It has been almost nine months since Paloma joined our family! I love my girls equally. Truly and Unbelievably so. (Before we adopted Paloma, I worried my love would never reach this level of equivalence) However, there is a trait that Paloma demonstrates that I hope and pray that she never loses. You see; she finds joy in the mundane. She finds contentment in all things. She laughs at the little things and is captivated by ALL things. She stands in awe- often and fully. For these reasons, I want to be a little bit more like my daughter. When I wake up in the morning, this I pray, “God, give me the child like faith that is so beautiful to you. Let my actions reflect you and my heart REJOICE fully in you- in ALL things.” Somehow, Paloma has learned this lesson much faster than me. 

At times, I have no choice but to sit back and contemplate Paloma’s childhood in the Philippines. I compare the differences to children growing up in the United States. -Exceptionally different. Even the poorest children in the United States have more. Why does she appreciate life so much? Paloma has been home with us almost nine months, and EVERY MORNING, when I set her clothes beside her, she squeals with delight. MINE? She signs. “Yes Paloma, your dress. -Your pants. Your sweater sweet girl.” Someday, I am sure she will be begging me for this or that- but these days, these days of contentment, I will savor them with every ounce of my being.

Today, I gave Paloma a pair of sneakers that I had bought her since her feet are growing at record speed (nothing else seems to be growing that quickly!- she is still wearing 4t! and 5) She looked at me with the widest eyes that I have ever seen and signed “Shoes pink mine? You give-to-me?” I explained that her toes were squished and they were probably very unhappy! (Trying to teach humor here) She JUMPED off her stool and threw her arms around my neck and just held me….and held me.. and held me. Finally she let go, signed, “Thank you Mommy” and was off to hide them in her room. (We will ignore the latter behavior for now. We are working on it!)

To teach our children that they are to sacrifice, to live below their means, to serve others first, to give FIRST- this is an every day battle. Modern America is a battlefield. We are at war against the love of money, the desire to store it up for ourselves so that we can retire and live happy and comfortably. We are at war against the idea that we need vacations and new cars and the newest toys and gadgets-that we need to be “comfortable” and have a certain amount “stored up” so that we feel “safe.” To teach this lesson, the lesson of selflessness, we must model this ourselves. We must guard our hearts and our desires. We must live simply and fully. -Responsible saving (to some extent) is of course, appropriate. Understood. However, why do most families’ penny pinch and coupon clip? -To donate the money? To support a charity, to anonymously give a neighbor in need or so that they can “afford more” and “Bank more?” This is the reality of our battlefield, and the lessons we unknowingly teach our children as they watch (and mimic) our every move.

Paloma remembers what it is like to eat solely rice for every meal. –half a cup to be exact. Morning- Noon- and night. Her nannies informed me of this with a smile on their faces. It was normal. The children were being fed. It was a good thing. Paloma remembers the feel of plywood below her, rather than down comforters and cotton sheets. She remembers cold baths, lice and infection. I am confident that this memory keeps her content and in awe. For now, she may be awestruck of this new life in America. Nine months later, and still, there is so much that is new and unexplored. I sincerely pray and hope this awe develops into an unquenchable love for her great God- a God that cares for her and knew her place long before she was born. I hope and pray that Paloma will never forget what it is like to have nothing. I pray that Jadalyn will keep learning the lessons that we teach her and that her already growing love for orphans and service will continue to emerge.

A few weeks ago, we were in a crowded store when Jadalyn saw a little Chinese girl playing across the way. She pointed and screamed out (for all to hear) Look Mommy! There is an orphan! She needs us to be her family. Tears filled Jadalyn’s eyes as I tried to nonchalantly point out the little girl’s “Chinese looking” Mommy and ensure Jadalyn that this little girl would be ok! I pray that we will continue to model for our girls a life that is simple, a life where we choose to “have not”- sometimes, on purpose. I pray that if we falter in this, and begin to place value in bigger and better, that God would take it from us and our lessons would be learned.

Today I stand in awe of my girls and their resilience in their lesson learning. May Andrew and I strive to be more and more like them. May God help us not to hold anything too tightly in the palms of our hands. Happy Nine months home Paloma. Thank you for your example to us. ❤

Unclenching my fingers…..

 

For the past four days, I have inodated facebook with my emotions and pictures of Paloma’s first days of school. This week was HUGE for us. You see, Paloma MAYBE went to school for one year in her entire life. She sat in a classroom as the only Deaf child in the entire school with no method to communicate, with absolutley not one ounce of knowledge or modality to express herself. Her report card gleamed an impressive straight column of glorious A+ -Math- she had mastered multiplication! English- She knew all her letters and expressed herself well- Spelling- of course! A master! Yet- her file also “warned” “Paloma is severely mentally retarded and globally delayed.” This is where the lies appear as a tangled mess of knots, knots that I have chosen to leave by the wayside. – No sense in detangling it, trying to make sense of it. Instead, we start anew. We provide love and language and see what God’s great plan is for His little girl.

We met Paloma and within one minute knew her report card was falsified. She did not know her name and could not sign a single word. She stood and stared and pointed and grunted and RAN towards what she wanted; caution thrown to the wind. (Andrew and I became fast runners-QUICKLY)

Fast forward seven months… and four days ago

Thankfully, Gods mercies are new every morning- we sent Paloma on her way to her first day of school in the United States. We prayed God would keep her strong and that she would not feel scared nor abandoned……and then I cried and sobbed and felt like I was no longer her mother. I admit- I appear a tad crazy. Most women send their children off to school for the day. They DO come back. It IS normal. This so called “voyage” to school has been occuring for hundreds of years….I could not understand why I was so distraught and then I began to reminisce, it was a mere seven months ago that Paloma became my daughter. She came to me in an almost infantile state. She needed help in the bathroom, she could not shower herself. She did not know what she wanted, or even what the options were. She didn’t tell me if she was hot or cold. If she was hurt or bleeding, she did not attempt to communicate that. She knew NOTHING- not what cars were, or that stoves were hot, that knives are sharp, Dogs can bite. She had to learn all of these things….important lessons to keep her from harm, to keep her somewhat protected. I introduced her to foods and made she sure she ate and drank. Everyday for seven months I was with her (sometimes) 24 hours a day- sleeping beside her, stroking her hair until she fell asleep. Carrying her back to bed, after she ran panicked and sweating to find me at 2 a.m. My entire life was ensuring that this child was safe and loved. I taught her all day- every day…

And then…..it seems, in the blink of an eye, off she went. One hour away-away from me-to a school where her classmates moved their hands to communicate with her, where her teachers and lunch aides and administration could all greet her in HER language, ASL. She came home with a HUGE smile and signed “Friends Deaf same me sign I love you Paloma” and each day this week we have seem smiles and story upon story of what has occurred in this world where she can apply what she has learned thus far, in seven short months. She can communicate to the children around her, tell a teacher she needs a drink or give a “no thanks” when her teacher tells her to keep working (We’ll have to work on that one)

My fingers which were clenched so tightly around the life of this little girl, the little girl who so quickly became my daughter, an amazing blessing and great love were forced open- I had to let go. I had to let her move on and start to experience what every other little boy and girl in the world experiences.

When I feel like pitying myself, I think “but most parents have six years to prepare for this. Ive only had seven months!” …..Then I remember the years my sweet girl has missed out on. I have to be happy for her. I have to thank God for the great work that He is doing in my daughters life. I have to thank God that the last seven months have revoloutionized us and her.

I am reminded that Paloma is God’s child- not mine. She was His since the beginning of time. My job is to teach her of His amazing saving Grace and love on her like My Father loves on me. –Those jobs are blessings.

My fingers are slowly becoming unclenched. In the morning, she still needs to twist and turn to escape my grasp- but soon, Ill let her freely run-Grateful to see a little girl who runs off smiling knowing full well that when the day is done, her forever family awaits.

I have many lessons to learn about “clenched fingers”- realizing again and again that a clench too tight on anything is not what God intends. I pray for open palms- contentment when God gives and when He takes away. I pray I will handle what He gives me wisely and solely for His glory but that I will not grasp so tightly that my knuckles present a snowy white hue.

Pale pink – the reminder of the day. Lord, give me the strength to surrender everything I have to You. Let me never grasp anything so tightly that I lose focus of my true purpose. Relationships, material possesions, CHILDREN- HIS.

Thank you for letting me loosely hold these blessings you have given me. They bring Joy to my heart and stir in me an affection to serve you more.

In two hours, my girl will be home and I can barely wait. I can not wait to see Jadalyn run to the door signing, “Paloma home! Paloma Home” God certainly sets the lonely in families. Andrew and I always wondered, “Will we love Paloma as much as Jadalyn?” Now, the thought seems crazy. My white knuckles are proof of a love that I am so blessed to hold.

My pictures and tales of school will come to an end. My quest to hold on to things; (specifically my girls) a little less tight continues. My passion for orphan care strengthens as I see a girl, once barely able to do anything alone- run out my door to school and come home hands flailing, telling me about everything that SHE did… Only by Gods amazing Grace. “I did not leave you as orphans” The greatest of these truly is LOVE.

….August can not come soon enough ❤

Almost SEVEN months- A letter to Paloma

A letter to Paloma –Six months with you.

 My dearest daughter,

A little over six months ago , I first laid eyes on you. Dirty, a tad of a stench, lice swarming over your scalp and hair. You were beautiful in my eyes, in God’s eyes. My blue eyes, caught yours: bright, wide-open and a beautiful brown. Different than when a biological child is born, for when I laid eyes on you, your eyes already told a story. You already lived eight years of life, eight years of experiences that had shaped and molded you; heart ache, abuse, thoughts, questions-none of which were expressed nor answered- you were unable to communicate-not one word. You lived in complete silence and solitude. When my eyes met yours- I loved you. I loved you as much as I loved your sister; fears were squelched. Its true- you CAN love your adopted daughter equally to a child born to you. That day, I would have died for you, done anything to protect you. Life began. Love grew. I started blogging and sharing about our life and experiences. I wanted you to have some kind of history to look back on, a happy history. I too, wanted to remember so that I could share with you how your life in your forever family began. My honesty offended some; and so my thoughts and writing became solely mine; for now, just for your Daddy and I to read, to tuck away, to savor as ours….and so life with you continued. It was beautiful, wonderful, EXHAUSTING – there are no words to adequately describe our days.

Now, I post pictures of the fun times we have (people like to see the “good stuff” you know.) Sometimes though, I feel led to share what happens beneath the beautiful moments of our lives. I feel led to share the truth, the honest reality of life. -compelled really.

Parenting is hard work for every parent in the world. I can make that statement with full-assurance of its truth. Each person has unique circumstances and struggles, unique children and stressful days. There are days Moms and Dads laugh with joy and look at their children as “little blessings”- “how did we ever live without you?” But There are days when we all want to put our children in a safe, sound-proof box (with breathing holes) and just breathe in deeply and slowly….in solitude…..

For the parent of an adopted child, these circumstances become just a touch more unique. Sometimes children’s behaviors are “just because they are kids” but sometimes their actions are deeply rooted. A certain look can send a child into a spiral of tantrums. A simple “no” or “you must share” can remind a child of the years that they had not one object to call their own. A “sorry spaghetti all gone” leads to sulking or crying which really is a child remembering so deeply a past life of lack. These moments must be dealt with differently, with prayer and patience beyond patience.

My Paloma, I try so desperately to be patient through all these moments. Sometimes, I just want to scream. Occasionally I’ve been known to hide in the shower and cry. (Its tough for you to find me in there when you can not hear the tears) Guilty I am. These are the moments when I feel that I am failing you, your sister, your Daddy and our God. (silly I know- but honest)

Through the past six months, (almost seven!!) you my dear happy, loving child have taught me perspective. You have taught me, that as I need to look up to communicate with you, to see your face, your hands, I need to look past you, UP to my Father in Heaven. It is there, UP, that my sense of peace is derived from. It is up, where my hope lies in wait, where my patience is sent from. When I reach up, my Father reaches for me- It is then in that moment of surrendering, that I can see the full beauty that is all around me, in my relationship with my Savior, my truly amazing husband and in my girls. I see beauty in my girls’ faces as they smile at each other when the signed message was understood! Their eyes dance, their fingers sway- As they climb into my lap, giggling, grabbing my hand, signing “I love you” – Beauty surrounds me-and I can see it, take it in, savor it. This family, never fathomed was truly God ordained.

It is hard to see, when eyes are cast downward, inward, focused on self. 

Parenting is hard, (hard is truly such a weak word..) However, slowly I am learning and will forever be learning that I must allow Christ to teach me in order to teach my children. I have no choice but to look up.

Paloma, thank you for teaching me perspective, teaching me the importance of my eye gaze, so that I do not miss out on this Beauty that surrounds me.

It is so very easy to forget your past. In six short months, you have flourished, filled us with unexplainable joy. Yes, you have far to go, much to learn. Daily, I see your fears and insecurities and my heart aches during these times. My child, God can heal you and He will. Daddy and I are here to guide you, to teach you and to love you with every fiber of our beings. Be patient with us. We will get there (and when we mess up we will ask forgiveness)

Paloma, Thank you for revolutionizing our lives, for changing everything that we know- for teaching us the joy of sacrificial loving and taking it to a level that we did not know existed. We see Christ’s love for us in you and it does not get more awesome than that. Thank you for teaching your two year old sister lessons that very few two (almost three year olds) can grasp.

You are a loved little girl, never abandoned nor truly orphaned and now in your forever family-forever and ever. You are stuck with us my sweet girl.

Daddy, Jadalyn and I love you so much.

Love always, your forever family.

Paloma wants ice cream for every meal and SHE CAN TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!

Eight weeks ago, we had driven seven hours from Manila, Philippines to Paloma’s orphanage. That morning, Paloma’s social worker met us at our hotel in Manila and escorted us to the orphanage. After our formal introductions, we loaded into the car (in the middle of a typhoon) and were on our way to meet our daughter (and take full custody within two hours of meeting her) While sitting in the back seat of the car, all I could think was, “Is this really happening?” As we drove through the windy, narrow streets, all I could see was poverty like nothing I had ever seen in my lifetime. I also saw people laughing, children in only shirts, stomping through mud and people gathered on muck covered stoops talking and eating. The poverty was, in a way, beautiful to me. The people, kind, caring and faithful. Finally, my mind snapped back to the reality of the day- I uttered quickly, “How is Paloma?” The social worker replied, “Oh she didn’t sleep all night. She was too excited. She is ready for you.” I don’t think I uttered a word. I sank into my seat a little deeper and grabbed Andrew’s hand, wiping a tear from my eye. Then she continued, “For two weeks, she has been carrying around the photos you sent, showing all the children “mama” “dada.” Still- I couldn’t speak. First, I may have thrown up. Second, I was praising God-again, and again. Thank you Lord. Finally, what I have prayed for, every day, multiple times for fifteen months is about to come true.

We parked a short distance the orphanage. The driveway to the building was unsafe to drive on. We walked in silence, in prayer, in RAIN and WIND. From a distance, all I could see was windows covered with plywood- a small building. When we entered, we were greeted by the most kind and wonderful women. We were ushered into a small room where they had prepared a meal for Andrew and I. A noodle dish with octopus (real looking octopus- Not calamari) I couldn’t have eaten a brownie or ice cream sundae at that moment (foods of choice), let alone octopus. I was told they were bathing Paloma and getting her ready. We waited for what felt like an eternity. I tried to ask, as many questions as I could about Paloma, but they all seemed irrelevant. “What does she eat?” The orphanage workers responded, “Oh she is not picky. One cup of rice for breakfast. One cup of rice for lunch and one cup of rice with some vegetables for dinner.”  (As if that was normal) 

Soon after, Paloma walked out and the staff was speaking to her; “This is your Mommy and Daddy” – although she in unable to hear a thing! I could not believe I was seeing her face to face. I had never seen a clear picture of my daughter. I had but a moment to study her face; eyes, nose, the little freckle on her lip that I never seen in a picture.  Paloma was grabbing my arm, again shaking me back to reality. I had a small backpack packed with toys and other arts and crafts. Paloma sat on my lap (Immediately I saw her scratching and itching like crazy and could see lice throughout her hair.) Funny, I didn’t care and sat as close to her as I possibly could. (Ok I did quickly pray, “Lord, let this hairspray protect my hair from those bugs!) and Andrew and I started to sign- We haven’t stopped since. We were told that Paloma knew a good amount of signs. NOTHING. My daughter had absolutely no language. She could not tell me her name, how old she was. She could not tell me she was thirsty, hungry, or that she had to go to the bathroom. She could not sign sad. She could not sign hurt. She could not sign Mommy. Still, she watched my hands- and seemed to understand that “this moving hands thing could work.” The first day with her was unbelievable. She pointed and grunted at everything. She grabbed our hands and PULLED US QUICKLY to show us everything that she saw; Cars, chickens, dogs, cows, clouds, lights… I could go on and on. She had never seen any of it and she did not know what it was. At first, our time was survival- just ensuring that this little girl felt loved and safe. Then, we began to see just how little Paloma knew. It was heart- breaking. At times, VERY scary. I could write a book in itself about meeting a Deaf child with no language in a foreign country and trying to act out that you are the Mommy and Daddy and that you are staying with her forever. I could tell stories for HOURS. I could tell you of the tears and of the complete laughter. I could tell you stories of the orphanage that would leave your mouth wide open, with tears in your eyes and a hole in your heart.

I wont.

We left the orphanage after two hours. Paloma holding each of our hands and all the other orphans running after us yelling, “Bye Paloma. You have a Mommy and Daddy!” I was laughing and crying.

I want to document all of the stories, all of the emotions felt. However, now, I will provide you an update. I will brag on my daughter a bit. This in itself is rare for me- I am not one to place much emphasis on intellect, grades, how “smart” or “advanced” my children may or may not be. I just do not see much value in it.  We ONLY strive for them to know God, love others and follow God’s word. However, My Paloma knew NOTHING eight weeks ago- I truly mean nothing. –Hence, Ill make an exception and tell you that she now knows her name and the names of our local family members. She knows how to sign her Abcs and can match 90% of the written letters to the sign. She can understand my ASL and can follow directions. She can sign about forty signs but understands much, much more. Pointing to get anything you need (and getting it) for eight years is a tough habit to break. Paloma can write her letters and her name! Every morning she signs, “Good morning Mommy I love you. Ice cream eat please?” – When I respond, “No dinner finish ice cream eat can. Outside dark. Night. Later” She quickly signs “ Ipad play?”  She is becoming an American.  J Paloma loves to do arts and crafts. She home schools with me for now and loves to sit and learn. She loves to paint and play with doll houses and babies. She signs to her babies and tells them “fresh no no.” “Hungry you?”  She loves to look through books and to watch Dora interpreted. She signs “not-need” after I tell her to wash her hands. She has most of her colors down. She has a tough time remembering blue vs green.  She is FINALLY sleeping in her own room and runs upstairs to make sure we are still there a few times a night. However, she no longer wakes us. (Praise!!) In fact, Last night, I don’t think she woke at all. (She is pretty loud when she wakes, STOMPING but I slept through the night ) I can see my daughter thinking. I can see her eyes, like bullets watching my hands as I try to explain all that she sees. We have a LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG way to go. My only hope and prayer is that someday I can fully explain Jesus’ saving Grace to my sweet daughter. I long for the day that she can tell me EVERY thought and feeling that she has. I long for the day that she can sign to someone, “Hey tell me what you are saying-don’t leave me out,”- and Ill gladly interpret the world for her. I can’t wait for her to know that she can advocate for herself.  

It has been a tough eight weeks but also eight weeks that have changed all of our lives forever. We have learned a lot about our daughters, (Jadalyn is signing up a storm) Some of my family members have just been PHENOMENOL trying to learn a few signs. They ask me “how do you sign ________?” again and again and again. SO THANKFUL FOR THEM! We have learned about ourselves and other people in our lives; both good and bad……and because of that we are continually being brought back to “our everything” –our God and Savior. He molded our family before the beginning of time. He is our rock and blessed us with this child to raise. Each night as we pray with our girls, we lay our hands on their backs and pray, “Lord please help us to raise your girls to be followers of you- women of God- with a heart to love and serve.” This is our hearts desire.

Thank you to our praying family and friends. Life is a roller coaster isn’t it? It can change in an instant, sometimes for the good (Our dear daughter) and sometimes for the bad. Yet, in all of it- God knows. He knows best and He wants us always in a place where we are on our knees needing Him-and not holding onto anything to tightly. That is a blessing and a wonderful place to be.

Happy and full of Joy are we- yet on our knees always, asking for guidance to parent as God intends, to love first and to put God first in our family and above all else.

As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

RACISM, FORGIVENESS and Paloma news

I have never struggled with forgiveness. I rarely held a grudge nor harbored eternal ill feeling towards someone. However, I have been hurt. My feelings smashed and spirit stolen. Fortunately, always able to forgive and proceed, even if I obsessively contemplated the situation. I am a woman, perhaps one of the most sensitive-world- wide. (No exaggeration) Once my heart is broken, healing comes at a turtle’s pace. Yet, the person who acted against me holds a clean slate in my book. I “remember” yet fully forgive. To me, that makes sense at least.

Hurt? Yes. However, still-I would help or assist the individual who wronged me in an instant. Past forgiven. Heart bandaged…..healing slowly but steadily.

It is now that my struggle has begun. I labor to forgive those that choose to treat my daughter differently because she did not come from my womb. I have difficulty-understanding individuals who can disregard someone for difference of opinion-or worse? -due to their country of origin or color of their skin. Quite frankly and to “convey honest thoughts,” I am disgusted and saddened- to the core.

I have prayed-diligently- and begged God to relieve my hardened heart, to see my personal faults and to grasp that, I am a sinner just the same. Yet, I struggle.

This mama lion cannot be caged. You can choose to dislike my daughter once you get to know her. You can decide, once she learns to communicate, that she is mean spirited and so choose not to engage with her. However, based on the fact that her skin color is different than yours? –Based on the fact that she was not born to me? For these reasons, you choose to judge, label and deny?

This is unacceptable. For the first time in my life, I am having difficulty forgiving.  My heart aches for millions before me who have experienced racism, discrimination and unfair treatment. Let their hearts be healed. Their mistreatment was far worse than a simple disregard.

For now, I choose to protect my daughter from being looked down upon the best I can. I will keep her from those who put her down or look upon her as if she is not up to par because born a “Villanueva.”

Lord, work on my heart and help it to heal. I pray that my daughter will never realize that people feel this way about her. I pray for other adoptive (and non) families who experience the same as we have. I pray that God too, would comfort them.

This truly rips your heart to pieces.

In general, I think there is a large misnomer regarding forgiveness. Many believe that because Christ forgives us, we are to forgive all people…… and then proceed as normal. Clearly we should refrain from holding grudges nor let bitterness grow in our hearts. We ARE called to forgive. However, there is a difference between “forgiveness and trust” and “forgiveness and admiration.”  When significantly hurt, life cannot always go on as usual. Forgiveness simply means you will not hold a persons sin against them nor condemn them for it in the future.

You must let the situation go. Because Christ loves you and forgives you, you must do the same, however, carrying on in separate spheres, choosing to go separate ways is not “sinful” or “wrong.”

At times, this is necessary. (Especially when children are involved. Their hearts are to be protected.)

God forbid as you are walking down the street one evening, you are beat by a man in the street- you ARE called to forgive. Should you walk down the same road the next night and bring him a plate of cookies? Should you trust this person in the future? No. You must protect yourself-common sense.

I pray that bitterness will not take root and overtake this heart of mine. I pray that I will forgive, lift these people in prayer and in choosing to walk a different road, resentments and walls will not be erected.

I have no choice but to walk a separate road. It is to protect my children, my daughters (plural) – one from being hurt and the other from witnessing such atrocity. However, I must also teach my children to love, to turn the other cheek, to forgive.

“But I tell you who hear me, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you (28) bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”  Luke 6:27-28

Forgiveness- Its not such a straight line is it? It’s not quite white or black.

Always seeking God’s wisdom and walking each day with a goal to live as Christ-like as possible-knowing full well that God places the lonely in families and binds them up in His love.

In other news, Paloma is adjusting beautifully to our family. She is sleeping in her own bed. (Even if she runs out to the couch where we are sleeping a few times a night to see if we are still there- ten times one night last week but who is counting?) She is eating American food, although her face LIGHTS UP when a plate of Filipino food is placed before her. Paloma’s language is increasing everyday. We are able to communicate in ASL on a basic level. I look forward to the day when I can climb in that brain of hers, and know her every feeling, thought and emotion.

As we pray before meals, she copy-signs and ends with a big signed AMEN! We are preparing her to start school in the coming months. For now, we are home schooling and working on being separated from me for more than five minutes at a time. (Might be beneficial for a six hour school day) We are madly in love. When I look at her, I am reminded of a childhood favorite song of mine-

“Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world; red and yellow black and white- all are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if all the people of the world could hum this song with a smile on their faces?

Tomorrow is Orphan Sunday. Say a prayer for the children waiting for their Mommys and Daddys, for the children in foster care and for the families trying to find their new normal. I am praying for God to stir in people’s hearts, a love for the fatherless.

 

People in the NUDE

Words are powerful. They carry immeasurable significance. With them both love and hate are expressed. – and have been since the beginning of time. Words can make a person feel on top of the world, madly in love or dragged through the dirt and despised. Words make people think, contemplate and stew. They make people angry and they make people cry. They can make you laugh aloud or roll your eyes in disbelief. There is not much as powerful as words- written or spoken- they can build up or utterly destroy.

Recently, my writing has struck a cord with some. –Both positive and negative. Each and every time I write, I read to Andrew prior to hitting that magical (and sometimes dangerous) “publish” button. I always want to ensure that my words are true and honest, non-offensive, non attention-seeking, and that I am above reproach in all that I write. I stand by my honesty, despite its raw and rare nature. It is truth. It is me. It is my life and the path God has put me on. (It just isn’t common I think, this honesty I have claimed)…begin to contemplate this as you read on…..

When Andrew and I were dating, we began writing a book. It was entitled, “Christians in the Nude.” We got far in our endeavor. However, we never finished our book. Somewhere in a drawer, covered in dust, the words are saved. We were inspired by Christians (and non-Christians alike) and their inability to be honest- completely and utterly open about their thoughts, feelings and desires. It sounds simple. “HONESTY” -It’s a word, right along side “truth” that slides off your tongue and you claim without much thought. Most people would not characterize themselves as liars- however, what do you label “withholding truth” as?

The truth is, we live in a dishonest society. We are hurt by a friend’s comment but say nothing, fearing more confrontation. We aren’t honest about which movie WE really want to see when with a group. We don’t want to attend and event or dinner party-yet, we go. We “just have to” right? We say that we like a friend’s haircut or outfit or spouse.  When someone’s says “how are you?” –we ALWAYS utter, “good you?” We go along with the flow and “pretend” aka LIE that all is well in the world. (Its not- It’s a fallen world)

When Andrew and I learned the art of honesty-The Biblical mandate of truth- our relationship grew strong. Our relationship with Christ strengthened. It seems “simple” –but it’s more than “telling the truth” or “not lying” (although one in the same) It is about keeping nothing back- Bearing all. –Being ok to stand their in your “nakedness” and say, This is me…all of me…. Nothing hidden. Once both parties have achieved this, there is no fear of the ramifications of your honesty. It is expected, appreciated and beneficial.

I challenge you to give yourself the freedom to convey honest thoughts. There isn’t a person in the world that hasn’t experienced worry, sadness, anxiety, anger, and feelings of being overwhelmed.

Why is it that when people see someone’s raw HONEST thoughts, a siren wails?

We have all experienced worry- Wouldn’t it have helped if during that time, you had someone to go to that you knew understood and would be there for you and not judge you?

We have all experienced heart-wrenching despair- Death of a spouse, adultery, catching a spouse or child in pornography, death of a child, divorce. Did you not cry? Were you not sad? Did you not mourn?  Did you not feel like you couldn’t breathe another breath? – Tell me it wouldn’t have made it easier if you had someone to go to, to love you, listen to you and encourage you.

If you aren’t honest- no one knows what is happening in your life. No one can support you in your time of need. You bottle up feelings and walls are built. Walls that sometimes take years to break down. You forget how to tell people the truth because it somehow makes you feel less than perfect or as if you will be judged for being “unhappy” when Christ died for you- you should be full of JOY- JOY- JOY (like the Disney world employees right?) 24 hours a day? (Ok Christ intended that- but we are sinners, saved by grace. Accept this grace!)

I have always been honest with people about my past experiences and God has used that in MIGHTY, MIGHTY ways. I am forever a counselor. I meet and mentor people often- I can share my experiences, lend an ear and I REALLY GET IT…..and the best part? I diligently pray. If I bottled everything up and pretended life was perfect, how would I ever help someone? I’ve had relationship DISASTERS, self esteem issues, I was hospitalized with anorexia, I have had severe anxiety attacks, I had post partum depression, I have lost loved ones, I have had to learn to trust, I have had to learn to be honest, I have struggled with parenting and the adoption process….Shall I go on? Like you-it’s a long list. We are the same, with perhaps a slightly different list.

Does this make me crazy? Not a chance. This makes me who Christ intended and I have counseled someone in EACH AND EVERY of the aforementioned areas. God has a purpose and a plan- FAR greater than mine. How blessed am I that I have already been able to see His purpose in my battles?

I don’t need to pretend to be perfect. Christ died to prevent that. Im FAR from perfect. I know how I SHOULD act and feel- but I am a sinner (Saved by grace! Amen!) I will struggle today and maybe tomorrow. Until the day I die, God will lay before me various problems, issues, and hurts. This, I cannot escape. I can try, on my own strength to get through or I can tell people, this is what I am going through. Lets see how God uses this for HIS glory!

You don’t have to start writing it so the WORLD can see- (This can bring problems of its own) but tell someone!  When someone asks, “How are you?” SHOCK THEM- really tell them. Even if it’s a one liner- “Well today I cried in the shower because my husband is being deployed.” “I have a doctor appointment coming up that I am really worried about.” “My children are making me so crazy, I could really use thirty minutes to myself.”  “I have a sore throat.” Everyone has “something” going on- everyone could use some encouragement and if you “bear all” someone can lift you up in prayer.

Take up my challenge- Convey honest thoughts.

You will be blessed for it.

So my honest thoughts, adoption is hard and it is BEAUTIFUL. Is this a hard season? OF COURSE. There is a beautiful little girl in my family right now who came to us with NO LANGUAGE. She has never seen toilet paper. She has the social maturity of a toddler. She doesn’t know that you don’t touch a stove. She doesn’t know cars can kill.  She doesn’t know how you eat or the difference between hot and cold on the bathroom sink. She hoards food in her mouth because she doesn’t know if she will be fed again. She hears not a sound and needs to be taught a whole new language. I have not left my house without Andrew in a MONTH because I cannot hold Jadalyn, sign to Paloma and carry both of them. Nor can I tell Jadalyn- STAY! As I run after a child who cannot hear me yell “STOP!” SO- yes I am lonely. Any normal person in the world would feel as I do. (It is a season-but you must still wait for it to pass) Paloma has NEVER been loved and has moved to the other side of the world to join a family who LOVES her with their ENTIRE BEINGS. This is ALL NEW. It is a BEAUTIFUL time in our lives, full of joy and disbelief. However, some people really want to know. What goes on in that house? Other families planning to adopt, read, and know a little of what to expect. People’s honesty is the only way I got through the adoption process. The week we decided to adopt, a pastor said to me, “This is the hardest thing we have ever done. It is the truest expression of the Gospel.” Thank you Pastor-NOW I get it…..and only because you conveyed honest thoughts. You shocked me when you said, “We got home and thought we had made a mistake.” Yet- we forged on. I learned not to expect a fairytale- that isn’t adoption. I can NEVER thank this man enough for his honesty.

You want me to sugar coat it? Everything is wonderful. IT IS! However- that’s not the end of the story. I share my story because we (and all people) need prayer.  I share my story because others may be encouraged. I share my story because I can look back and see how Gods hand has been on this since the very beginning. He is mighty and powerful and in every emotion, and experience – He has a purpose. The next time someone is lonely, or overwhelmed, I pray that God reminds him or her of me. I pray they come to me so that we can chat and pray. I’ve been there so I will be there for the next person.

God’s purpose may be thwarted if we are silent.
Convey Honest thoughts